With the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict from the highest office in the Catholic church, I have had the sudden realization that I would be the perfect candidate for the next Pope of the Catholic church.
Hear me out as I am being serious in my argument.
The first and most obvious qualification is that I am Catholic. Oh, sure, I don't "regularly" attend Sunday mass but as I lay sleeping in my bed most Sundays I assure you that I am there in spirit.
My second qualification is that I am pretty sure that I own a bible. I've ready a page or two back in the day and I can say "begat" with the best of 'em.
The third and possibly oddest qualification is that I am married and have a family. Those two items should make me far more qualified to dispense marriage and family planning advice than a string of never-married single men who wouldn't know a vagina from a double jointed elbow and have never experienced the joy of marriage.
The final qualification is that I would look damn good rocking that pope hat. While I have no desire to relocate to any country in Europe to run the Catholic church, I assure you that I can handle this gig remotely. With a high speed internet connection, a reliable landline phone (I can expense that if I get one installed, right?) for conference calls and Skype I'd have this whole Pope thing down in a couple of weeks.
I'll conclude my Pope application with my other qualifications: I know how to manage my money without even using a check register (balancing a checkbook is so 1999), I have a pretty sweet plastic manger scene which I put out every Christmas season and I used to play the trombone which wold come in pretty damn handy when the church service is in need of some musical leadership.