Monday, January 03, 2011

2011 predictions

Every year it seems like the unexpected happens -- it's what keeps us on our toes. And with our nation fucking obsessed with the happenings of celebrities, let's think about what will happen with the douchebags we obsess over along with a few non-celebrity predictions.

Celebrity deaths:
I can see Dick Clark kicking the bucket. Hearing audio of his appearance on Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve with Ryan Seacrest (get a longer title, please) was just sad. After suffering a stroke a few years ago, I think that his time to leave this world has come and 2011 will be when that happens.

Someone, too, from the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore will also kick the bucket. Snooki would be too obvious of a choice and not being familiar (thankfully) with the show I'm leaving this one open but one of those spray-tanned guidos will end up not being around in 2012.

Celebrity scandals:
Something big will happen with Miley Cyrus. A Miley Cyrus sex tape. Miley Cyrus filmed snorting cocaine. Miley Cyrus killing a panda in a drunken rage... Whatever the case, Miley's going to have a big year now that she's 18 and doing more stupid shit than I did when I was 21.

Celebrity divorce:
The most obvious candidate is the divorce of Katy Perry and Russell Brand. Russell Brand is as phony as they come. He's grating, annoying and the most likely candidate I can think of to cheat on his new wife. It's logical being that they both travel for music and movies respectively and he has a history of substance abuse which can lead to some pretty spectacularly poor decisions. Mark my words: Russel Brand and Katy Perry call their marriage quits in 2011.

Justin Bieber will be revealed as being 14 years old. Who does he think he's fooling? No 16 year old, regardless of his nationality (Canadian) looks that young.

In other music prognostications, Lil' Wayne will return to jail. It will probably be for a number of things including drunk driving, weapons possession, drug possession and having too damn many tattoos. Ke$ha (or Kesha if you're nasty) will finally have a sex tape leak. Two surprises will stem from this: the first being that she looks like shit without a ton of make-up and the second is that she has a third nipple.

If the 2011 NFL season is actually played (there is that potential lockout looming) the Minnesota Vikings -- playing at a hastily revamped TCF Bank Stadium -- will finish with a record of 3-13. It won't matter because the taxpayers of Minnesota will be bamboozled into funding a new stadium and the season will be written off as a rebuilding year.

Sarah Palin will officially announce her intention to run for president in 2012. This will also mark the official debut of the Tea Party as their own political party. The scary thing is that she will take herself seriously. Even scarier is that she'll land a larger share of the votes in 2012 than the Republican candidate -- Jeb Bush.

1 comment:

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