Thursday, February 12, 2009

How NOT to write a personal ad

Meeting a potential mate online is the cool thing to do but how do you write a personal ad that will attract the opposite sex? Well, it's all about painting a picture with words.

I'll start with what not to say in a personal ad if you're a guy.

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Single 37 year old male seeks single female. I am 5'6" tall and weigh 347 lbs. My hair is balding, my teeth are stained yellow from drinking four pots of coffee per day and I dress casually -- rarely sporting more than sweatpants and a spaghetti sauce-stained Pong Rules t-shirt. In my spare time I enjoy attending social events such as Star Trek conventions and playing Magic: The Gathering with pepperoni-faced teenagers. I have my own place and my mom respects it when she comes down to the basement to do the laundry. I am currently between jobs and am holding out for an executive position. I enjoy eating frozen pizzas and sharing grape Kool-Aid with my special lady.

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I can guarantee that this particular guy will not be getting a call any time soon but I give him points for being honest.

Now women, you have it far easier. A female seeking romance in the personals could write the following ad and have hundreds of seekers.

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Single 37 year old female seeks single ma

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See how easy that was? It may not deliver the highest quality man but if you prefer quantity over quality you can save your words.

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8 comments:

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Hi, first time reader, first time commenter.

Of the five Google Ads down the side of your blog, four are advertising tire companies and one is for labia surgery. This struck me as odd enough to mention.

Thanks!

People in the Sun said...

Frozen pizzas? He'll never get anywhere with that ad. It's known that classy women are much more into microwaved pizzas.

MJ said...

And mention sex, and they come out of the woodworks!

James said...

If the experiences of my female friends are any indication, the best way to be successful with personal ads is to lie through your teeth.

I won't generalize to include all people of the vagina persuasion, but it seems like my female friends really, really like it when dudes lie to them.

In fact, they love it.

Like the friend who was dating a "divorced" guy who was strangely unwilling to her back to "his place." Yeah, his wife wouldn't really like it too much... "Your place" it is then!

No said...

I'm so weird, if I was single, I may answer the frozen pizza guy ad strictly out of curiousity as it sounds like a hoax...(yeah, that's why I don't do the personal ad thing--one time, and wouldn't you know it, the guy looked just like that ad--seriously)

The Doozie said...

I think the vast majority of people on those sites are lying through their teeth. I've heard multiple horror stories about women that say whatever they think it takes to get the man to meet up with them. As if the man is not going to notice they are 200 pounds heavier than their picture and really DON"T like the outdoors? Do they think if they offer a really nice BJ, the guy will fall for them anyway?

Same thing for the guys, but not as bad. I find it funny all the ads where the guy describes himself as "romantic, fun loving, likes snuggling on the couch, eating out, spoiling my lady, dancing, traveling and long walks on the beach"

This translates to:
"I enjoy traveling to the nearest take out BBQ place and eating outof the bag on the way home. I love snuggling with my remote control on the couch while I enjoy a nice show on the travel channel that includes naked, hot women walking on the beach.

After I watch my favorite porn channel, I am feeling romantic (ie horny). I want to spoil my lady with my awesome horizontal dancing moves.
How is that NOT fun? Huh? I love it!!!

Jeff said...

@ Doozie - I thought you said you would keep it confidential when I told you my profile ID.

Whiskeymarie said...

Once again I am reminded why I am so very happy to be out of the dating pool.