Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Just what is 'The List'?

The often referred to 'List' is, like all too many things, entirely in my own head. As I walk through life, I mentally catalog the experiences that get under my skin and I refuse to let go of. 'The List' is essentially my own petty grievances against businesses, organizations and people who have simply pissed me off to a severe enough degree that I will carry this particular grudge to my grave.

The new IHOP in Burnsville seemed a fitting place to dine one evening a month or four after it opened on County Road 42. The service, though, after an hour of not receiving our food and my then-girlfriend being told that she could not have fruit on her waffles due to the fact that "we don't have fruit" as she gazed longingly at a picture of, you guessed it, waffles drowning in strawberries, left something to be desired. I wrote them a letter about the experience and received no response and only a pathetic five-dollar discount on our shitty dining experience.

Arby's at Shakopee Southbridge -
It had been open for only a month when we stopped here on a Sunday afternoon. We waited in a line in the 'lobby' behind half a dozen customers for about ten minutes as the recently-hired manager struggled with only two employees who had obviously huffed six or seven cans of Krylon paint fumes from a Hefty garbage bag. After a school bus full of softball players arrived, we left angry and hungry only to drive four miles west to eat at the more established Arby's because sometimes you just want something so badly you have to have it.

Unmarried Redneck Neighbor -
He lives behind us, refuses to spray the bumper crop of dandelions or mow his shitty looking lawn which does nothing but pollute my semi-pristine lawn and lower property values for the entire neighborhood by way of his brown tarp covering the outdoor kennels which make him look even dumber than previously assumed. Factor in his four mutant-sized dogs who shit in my garden, dig in my lawn and destroy plants in the garden and flower beds and this mullet-sporting jackass is a prime candidate for 'The List'.

Not only have they single-handedly ruined America, they hire illegal aliens who can barely speak their native language and will never learn any shred of English, they bag items at the rate of three pieces per bag. That has been explained because 'the majority of the customers are weak'. They routinely shutter an older store only to move a few blocks away to a larger and new store where they once again received tax breaks to build this new store and hire more minimum wage jobs who end up leaching from the rest of us on public health care programs while I pay out the ass for health care because I supposedly make enough money to afford health care. Not to mention that in the new store which was recently expanded to a 'Super Center' that there are some 30-plus checkouts as well as eight self-checkouts. On numerous occassions, the self-checkouts along with two staffed checkouts are the only ones open during a busy Saturday afternoon. I refuse to let this place save a buck by scanning my own crap, I don't play that way.

No, not the type on television, I am speaking of unnecessary, hyped-up drama which seems to follow certain people everywhere they walk. Each and every time they open their mouth, drama ensues. They make even the most menial tasks and happenings into dramatic, events of epic proportions to the degree where each event could be a three-act play held on the grandest of stages.

No-Talent Hacks
You know the type. They think because they added a dot marking something to a project which you spent the better part of a day on that this is now their own masterpiece and claim credit for it. This is the type of person that has gotten where they are because they are dirty thiefs and excellent at manipulating their superiors, making them believe that the work being done is entirely their own and that said work is better than anything else. These are the people who deserve to have their heads kicked firmly against the curb in front of an adandoned apartment building.

Cub Foods
At one time this regional grocery store chain was a legitimate money-saving warehouse-type concept. Since that long ago time it has devolved into just another store. Sure, sometimes their advertised specials do add up to actual savings but shopping at Super Target or Rainbow Foods yeilds the same prices, if not lower -- not to mention the fact that the overall experience of the less cluttered environment at Rainbow and Target is heads and tails above that of any Cub Foods store I have ever entered. The mouth breathers that clog the aisles at the typical Cub Foods seem to be plants from a higher power sent to those very spots to test my patience; forcing me to grit my teeth as I restrain myself from literally strangling every last breath from their pathetic and useless bodies. Not that I actually would do that but the thought alone satisfies me.

Fundraising Phone Calls
Hey, just because I generously opened my barren wallet one time doesn't mean that I intend to do it again. Everyone, from churches to political parties to fire departments to girl scouts seem to be begging for cash from me. Well, I have a newsflash folks, I wholeheartedly oppose funding the political dreams of some boring white guy millionaire in a suit as he criss-crosses America making empty promises on his way to gaining an elected position where he can do the work of billionaire companies by giving them tax breaks and passing laws that favor them so Joe Stuffed Suit can line the pockets on his Dockers with crisp twenties.

The most recent addition to my list. Added mere days ago during a conversation I was dragged in to with a couple of my brother-in-laws that proved that some people would rather hold on to their racist upbringings than think that things can actually change. One of them was particularly stubborn and seemed to whole-heartedly believe that someone will assassinate the president-elect within six months. He went on to joke about a "coon hunt" being needed because there is one in the White House now. All of this, of course, coming from a guy who not only didn't vote but probably couldn't find the polling place. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was his attempt at a joke but usually jokes have a humorous tone to them, his mullet-sporting self didn't seem too humorous.

For photographic enlightenment that is certified list-free, check out MinnPics. It's updated daily and it's photolicious because Minnesota rocks... especially when viewed through a lens.


cathouse teri said...

Dude! That's a long fucking list! ;)

Sornie said...

Just like the human nose and ears, it is always growing.

Beth said...

ahhh sornie, sornie, sornie....how do I love thee? let me count the ways.....

you rock!

MJ said...

I like your list and could pretty much identify with all of them (well, in different locations anyway). I might have to "borrow" your list idea.

Good stuff.

spleeness said...

Sounds like a good 18 foot fence might solve the neighbor problem? But then there's that whole barren wallet thing (which I can relate)...

cathouse teri said...

I checked out your MinnPics. Absolutely gorgeous! My dad grew up in Minneapolis. In July a number of years ago, I visited there to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday. While I was there, I also visited a couple I knew when I lived in the Philippines. We went out to watch the fireworks (it was the fourth). Now, I am very jaded about... well just about everything. And honestly, I will rarely even walk across the street to see fireworks. But the display that year was the most sensational I have ever seen. I'll never forget it. We sat in a park, along the river. The park was fairly deserted. But when those bright lights exploded in the sky, they reflected off of both the water and the tall buildings across the river.


buffalodick said...

Jeez sornie, way to hold back! Tell us what you really think...(Just when I thought I was cheesed off!)...

No said...

um...isn't Baby Sornie due about now???

Sornie said...

The baby is due tomorrow although that date, just like the weather forecast, is simply a guess.

Countess B said...

Wow...I can totally copy your list and rename it as my own. Well, except for the cub thing. We don't have them here, but I can substitue a different name.