Friday, August 15, 2008

How you do the doo doo that you do

Poop. It's an inevitable part of life. What goes in, must go out (within certain percentages) and when it's time to go, it's time to go. For many, poop and anything associated with one's pooping habits is a taboo subject. Not so much for me.

But today I'm not going to talk about the actual poop. No, I want to cover the topic of where the actual act of pooping takes place. Yes, I'm aware that in modern times approximately 94% of pooping occurs in bathrooms and being that the stated percentage is so high, bathrooms are the focus of my analysis today.

How many of you almost make it a point to do your pooping within the confines of your place of employment?

Wow, that's a lot of hands.

Now how many of you that poop at work do so in the confines of a restroom?

Just kidding, I'm hoping that the number of hands would be the same for both questions though.

Public or work restrooms are a place of great wonder. I find myself wondering who sat on that seat before me? When was the last time the floor was cleaned? Why is the toilet paper of such low quality?

Aha, I sense plenty of you have asked that very same last question. Why IS the toilet paper so (sorry for the pun) shitty?

At my office, the two ply toilet paper is overly perforated. I pull for 8 sheets and am left holding one sheet of one-ply. This creates a problem. Upon this happening I tend to grab for a second attempt at 8 sheets. I'll be damned if it doesn't end up being a two-handed affair. It's not like the other hand is occupied but is it asking too much to have toilet paper whose tensile strength can withstand being pulled by one hand, not coddled by both?

Before you start in on me for being ungreatful, I have to say that I am thankful for employers and businesses in general for providing a convenience such as this in restrooms and even for providing restrooms at all. I can honestly say that employee rest rooms have saved me a great deal in personal expenses. No, nothing like soiled clothes. I'm talking saved money in the toilet paper area. I'll venture a guess that I have saved well over 50 bucks during the time at my current job. That boils down to 10 bucks per year. It may not sound like a lot but if invested properly a guy could by a pretty sweet used automobile with those earnings in 35-40 years.

If you want non-bathroom topics, check out the high-quality photos from Minnesota's best photographers at MinnPics. Guaranteed to be bathroom-speak-free.


choochoo said...

Pooch never pooped in a bathroom. Actually, Pooch never pooped anywhere -near- a bathroom. Just sayin'

MJ said...

See, I share the admin bathroom, and there is only one other woman in the admin office. Plus, we have that smooth as butter toilet paper in our bathroom. The female admin said she "would accept no less." Sometimes being an admin assistant has its perks...

snowelf said...

I hate pooping at work. Just sometimes, well, you have to. We have that crappy *snirt* toilet paper too. And I swear, they make the dispenser's stick on purpose so you eventually give up. But not me. I take extra. Bwahahaha!


Hammer said...

Yeah work bathrooms are pretty bad unless it's in an area where mostly women work, then they are nice clean and quiet. I like to unravel about 30 feet of toilet paper before I do the doo.

The Doozie said...

I really don't care to do my pooping in public, although you make a valid point about saving money. The thing is, I have to use baby wipes after a BM, and those aren't normally available in public stalls.

Besides that, I imagine even worse things about the stall than you do. For instance, ever wonder about the person before you, wiping and getting the poo on their hand, then they tear off the TP, leaving tiny particles of excrement on the end hanging off?

Then you come along, and you take the next part of the roll, including that end they touched with their poopy hand, and it comes in contact with your butt, thus causing you to get some weird poop disease.

You should probably carefully remove at least two squares before you use any TP from that roll

noisysmile said...

Pooping in a public restroom is one of my biggest nightmares. Peeing in one is bad enough.

Beth said...

This is a first for me in terms of blog subject matter. (Yes, I lead a sheltered life.)
Your mind is a strange and wonderful thing - and you're damn funny.

Dr Zibbs said...

When I was in high school I worked at a farmer's market. We knew when the Amish guy had just pooped because he would stack 3 layers of egg cartons on the can for protection. And height I guess too.

Whiskeymarie said...

I try to only do the deed at home, but at least at work I have a fairly private bathroom that only 4-5 other women use.
But as I work at a State institution, you can guess the quality of the TP we have. I'm pretty sure that it is just one lever softer than sandpaper.

spleeness said...

Oh! I have a whole system down pat. If I'm not feeling too hot, I head to the basement area near the auditorium since those restrooms are almost always clear. Freezing, but private. If the situation won't be time-consuming but still be "involved" I'll head to another floor so I won't know anyone coming in. Then I have to race against the automatic light timer and "finish" before it goes off and someone walks in wondering why I'm sitting there in the dark. Which sucks.

If it's a fairly straightforward visit, I'll use the one closest to me but try to refrain from 10-11 since everyone's emptying their bladder of coffee about then and I can't deal with the performance anxiety of having to rush.

I never touch anything since everything is basically covered with flesh-eating bacteria.

Anonymous said...

How would you help someone who can't hold it but would rather hide next to the toilet go quickly and leave for fear of being heard or seen?