Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Only a prick would ban dildos

After reading this Slate story on the illegality of "toys of sexual gratification" (you know what I mean) in states such as Texas (wow, what a shocker) and Mississippi (color me surprised) to name a couple, I got to snooping about dumb laws still on the books in Minnesota.

I only found two that were peculiar to me. Apparently both the act of oral sex and sleeping naked are just cause for legal action in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Why is that? Were old-timey Minnesotans straight-up prudes or did a couple of lawmakers have a grudge to settle with someone? What would cause a politician (likely sporting a stove pipe hat) to think that sleeping without 'yer wool jammies was cause for some jail time? Did his wife have a case of ice ass or had he caught a glimpse of his next door neighbor getting a late-night cup of water from the backyard well?

As for the oral sex one, maybe said politician's wife had a fondness for performing the act but she also had the unfortunate habit of involving her teeth as well. What better way to avoid some awkwardness than flat out banning the very act where the end result would have been the very reason to invent the Band-Aid?

But back to Texas. Are the prudes in the land of cowboys really so insecure that they think their wives may be wooed away by a piece of carefully shaped plastic? Seriously Texans, I've heard ads on the radio right here in the Twin Cities for honest to gosh stores (The Smitten Kitten) selling "fun toys for her" or some other slyly worded marketing line. That fact alone should convince folks in The Lonestar State to throw caution to the wind and allow "pleasurable toys" to be sold. If for no other reason than the sales tax alone.

Think of all the lonely ladies wearing Wrangler jeans and girly cowboy hats that would stroll through the doors of their friendly neighborhood "marital aids" shop for a little something to tide them over while their big burly man of a man spent a couple long weeks riding the range roping steers.

Just think, too, about not having to explain to her cowboy husband all the odd out-of-state charges to their Lonestar Bank Visa for items that would make the Wrangler-wearing cowgirl blush. Factor in the convenience and it's a no-brainer. If only women in these states would finally be given the right to vote.

I have to wonder if I've overlooked any stupid laws. Have any of you ever been cited for something so stupid it made you ask the officer if he was serious? Have you frequented Minneapolis' "Smitten Kitten"?

12 comments:

Queen of the Mayhem said...

First of all....the title almost made me spit my drink all over my computer screen.

I have never heard of such a crazy thing....but I would imagine...if anywhere has craziness...it would be here...in the deep south!

I am going to have to do some research.

Can you imagine all the poor husbands and boyfriends in Minnesota, if this no BJ law gets out? "Sorry honey....but that's against the law!" hee-hee

H said...

I've never been to Smitten Kitten but I have visited Sex World and, damn you smell like latex even after spending just a couple minutes in there. I would like to clarify that I did not purchase anything, but it's kind of a tourist attraction. Like the Mall of America. But with dildos and nipple clamps.

Sanguinetti A! said...

There's a documentary on the illegality of dildos in Texas. It's called The Dildo Diaries and can be read about here: http://dildodiariesfilm.com/

There are sex toy shops in Texas, plenty of them in fact. But they have to refer to the dildos as "educational demonstrations." I did hear that the law was removed just very recently, but I'm not sure on specifics.

I grew up in Texas. Haven't been back since I was 17. And then I was a sex educator in San Francisco. The Smitten Kitten is pretty tame compared to what else is out there in the world!

Fun post.

The Future Was Yesterday said...

Are the prudes in the land of cowboys really so insecure that they think their wives may be wooed away by a piece of carefully shaped plastic?
I don't know, but I know for a fact there are many Fundamentalist women that keep just such a toy hidden under the wool jammies. God may have told their Husbands that orgasms for women were wrong, but nobody ever told the women's ah.....yeah.

Sornie said...

Great stuff folks.

Maybe the fundamentalist women hide such a toy, um, somewhere else other than in their jammies. Just sayin'.

I think I'll have to send Queen my computer screen cleaning kit if I keep this crap up.

H, I think that Minnesotans should have to renounce their citizenship if they haven't visited either MOA or Sex World. Both are state landmarks and institutions of the Northstar State's greatness!

As for the film/website suggestion Sanguinetti, I don't think I'll have the time to check that out but interesting info. Are you a Minnesotan now by chance?

justacoolcat said...

"Are the prudes in the land of cowboys really so insecure that they think their wives may be wooed away by a piece of carefully shaped plastic?"

Yes.

I've heard it's still technically against the law to drive a red car on Lake Street.

I have no idea what that's about.

Once A friend and I were sited for biking on the sidewalk. We were downtown mpls and went on the sidewalk for 20 feet to avoid an emergency situation where two ambulances and three cop cars had the street blocked.

Ofcourse, there were two bike cops at the intersection. The fine is worse than the fine for running a red light.

snowelf said...

Sornie,
ahem... just out of hypothetical curiousity, where exactly IS Smitten Kitten?

Oh wait... i can Google map it...
;)

*looks around innocently*

--snow
p.s. I have some friends in Tx, I'm going to ask them their opinion on this. :)

Hammer said...

I used to hang out with a bunch of lesbian friends and I found out the black market for dildos is alive and well here in Texas.

They can be sold as training aids for condom education but if a person gets caught with more than 6plastic phalluses they can go to jail.

I'm serious.

Dildos are still sold here in the sex shops but they are labled "for safe sex education only"

Sornie said...

That, Hammer, is insane. Do alot of people get nabbed carrying around six "condom education aides"? Is it some sort of threat to the morality of Texans?

And Snowelf, Google Maps is the best answer although something tells me you may not be looking just for research purposes...

Beth said...

"The smitten Kitten" Love that name!

ya, these laws are stupid...no wonder my husband didn't want to move to Texas!

Countess B said...

The only thing we have here in lovely Ohio is Ambiance, The store for Lovers.

Although I have attended some pretty fun/hilarious sex toy parties....

Sanguinetti A! said...

Sornie, I'm technically in Minnesota, but I doubt I'll ever be a Minnesotan. Woe is me.