Sunday, September 09, 2007

I discovered the real cause of global warming

Everyone has their own weekend hobbies that keep them either busy and out of trouble or busy and in all sorts of trouble. Mine, though, is the former. Some of you don't know too much about me but I like to both dabble in science and research and I simply loathe alcohol. I mean, come on, that stuff is the juice of the devil himself. So instead of demeaning my morals and taking part in a booze-fueled orgy of wild behavior, I soaked in the weekend rays in my ever warming back yard.

I wondered, though, why my back yard is getting warmer as each summer passes by. Sure, Americans are driving larger vehicles and driving more and those in the rest of the world are driving more too but that sort of science that says burning fossil fuels contributes to global warming is straight up hooey.

Not satisfied with the answers of professional scientists with fancy learning degrees from huge universities, I took to doing my own research. I craned my neck to the right and there it was, my answer.

Two houses down, my neighbors built a patio between their house and detached garage. Each and every night for the past ten days, they have had a fire going of varying sizes. Ten straight nights of drinking the devil's juice ass they sat next to their planet-warming fire. I know they were drinking that evil booze because the cans, in the gleaming mid-day sun, were obvious and there are plenty of them.

Without a fancy degree in science, though, I had discovered the answer that hundreds of thousands of well-funded scientists have been unable to obtain. As not only Minnesota, but the rest of the world gets hotter, my alcohol drinking, wood burning neighbors are solely to blame.

Well, once they sober up, they should be put to work making the world a better place. They should walk a couple doors down the block and scrape the ashes out of my fire ring and make sure my beer bottles make it out to the curb for recycling come Wednesday morning.


Hammer said...

Sounds like carbon credits ;)

Devil ass could make money marketing booze under that nomenclature.

Beth said...

Booze and fire-pits - ten nights in a row?? Don't these people work? That's strictly a weekend thing around this neighbourhood.

Jules said...

Does devil's ass juice have something to do with Accipoop?

Sornie said...

Devil's ass juice and Accipoop may be related.

Dorky Dad said...

Where do you live now? I'm going to go beat the tar out of your neighbors for making it so freaking hot around here.

Sornie said...

Ahh, sweet irony. Maybe after the past couple days I can talk them into moving their eternal flame in to my backyard.