Tuesday, September 18, 2007

25 things you must know before passing go

In their never ending fountain of wisdom, the schmucks behind the words of the wildly popular and appropriately titled 'Popular Mechanics' have dictated (and their word is as good as gold) to the world the 25 tasks every man should know how to complete. Following each 'task' is my understanding of what it means.

1. Patch a radiator hose
How about keeping an eye on it? I know, I'll call it 'preventative maintenance' so I'm not some run of the mill dumbass stuck on the side of the road with an overheating car and no way to get to my desitnation. Besides, that's why I have a brother-in-law who is a mechanic.

2. Protect your computer
Protect it from what, pirates? Minnesota, last time I checked, is landlocked so best of luck getting to this landlubber's home office stash of computing power.

3. Rescue a boater who has capsized
Maybe boater 'A' should have been wearing his lifevest. Sure, not everyone does but to rescue this hypothetical capsized boater, I'd first have to be a capable swimmer. Something tell sme this guy chose the wrong company in which to have his boat capsize.

4. Frame a wall
Bring. It. On.

5. Retouch digital photos
Um, yeah. I could do it blindfolded. How's that for cocky?

6. Back up a trailer
Ahem, next. I grew up on a farm and can outback the best of 'em.

7. Build a campfire
The ash-laden fire pit in my back yard speaks volumes of my expert fire building abilities.

8. Fix a dead outlet
My house is over a century old and I have that semester of electrical wiring expertise under my belt from high school so while my work may not exactly be neat, tidy or safe in the eyes of an electrical inspector, it's all functional and nobody has died (yet) because of it.

9. Navigate with a map and compass
I could have been the guide for Lewis and Clark if I was a few decades older and Indian.

10. Use a torque wrench
If my dad had no use for one, neither do I.

11. Sharpen a knife
We live in a disposable society so when it's dull, throw it away because it's just cheaper.

12. Perform CPR
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pinch the nose shut, mouth over mouth in a sideways fashion, three quick puffs...

13. Fillet a fish
Those come in boxes in the freezer section of my local Rainbow Foods.

14. Maneuver a car out of a skid
Turn inn to said skid. Then call a tow truck because if there's a ditch nearby, you shall be meeting with it.

15. Get a car unstuck
'Round these parts, we call a tow truck because when the ditches are level full of snow for that one precarious week, nobody can simply push you out.

16. Back up data
My Mac makes it a cake walk and the spool of CDs and DVDs show it.

17. Paint a room
How could someone over the age of 14 be at a level of ineptitude that they were unable to paint a damn room? In the past couple of years I've painted three rooms AND our garage.

18. Mix concrete
Get the mix all wet, stir it up, use it.

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle
I ask my neighborhood hunter/gatherer type for further info. Well, I assume that a bolt-action rifle is for hunting.

20. Change oil and filter
Every 2,500 miles on my car and 3,000 on the wife's. This sort of thing is born knowledge with us farm folk.

21. Hook up an HDTV
Hey, mine works and it was far, far, far short of rocket science. I wonder who the folks are that hire someone to 'install' their new HDTV.

22. Bleed brakes
Slice the damn brake line and that's that.

23. Paddle a canoe
As I said earlier, I'm the guide -- Lewis & Clark can do their own damn paddling.

24. Fix a bike flat
Throw the bike haphazardly in the trunk and speed to the gas station. Wrecklessly nose your car into the parking space nearest to the sign proclaiming 'Free Air' and fill the sombitch up.

25. Extend your wireless network
Not to brag but I've completed the networking in entire buildings. And The Geek Squad probably knows about as much as I do -- and I don't have that condescending attitude I hear about from those damn nerds with their little black ties.

So, how many of those tasks can you or your husband/boyfriend/significant other/lifepartner complete without having a complete breakdown and ending up in the fetal position?


Slick said...

I read that at the barber shop the other day...

I'm qualified for about half of'em.

I feel like such a girl now!

sAssY brOwn said...

I can do #'s 5, 7, 9, 12, 17, & 23. Pretty good for a girl no?
My guy can probably do all the rest except 3, 5 & 12. Who (besides Tom Cruise) waits around on water for a troubled boater in need of rescuing anyway?

Pharmacy tech guy. said...

Well I'm pretty sure I can do most everything on that list but the backing the trailer up I impressed you so couldn't have done to bad.

Sornie said...

I think these would make good challenges for a new reality show. Of course it would have to feature the most unskilled and inept people ever. I think I'm on to something... or not.

Countess B said...

Great, now I actually give my husband credit for his talents, and stop calling him a dumbass.......

Jules said...

I dunno about my hubby, but I can only complete 9 of them. Good thing I'm not the man of the house!