Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Let's talk about sex baby

Sex. No matter how much you try not to think about it, your parents actually do have sex. Hell, they might actually make love which, depending on who you are, may be far more disgusting than them having sex.

The fact is that a solid 90% of the population will have sex at some point in their lifetimes. (Don't question my numbers, I did my research) The ways in which they will have sex vary. We all know the positions plus they're so icky that I don't want to talk about them. Someone I know might read this...

Being courteous, though, whether you like to think aboput that too, is definitely a part of sex. As some would say, you have to preheat the oven before you stuff the old pot roast in there. That is guideline numero uno.

The second guideline is to not pull some of the most frequent porno moves. That goes double for the relatively bland and reserved Lutherans that populate every corner of Minnesota. Do you think that your mom has ever instructed her hubby to "spray it all over my face" in a guttural groan in the throes of passion? I rather doubt it. Rule numero two, discuss the money shot before going through with it.

And finally, the third guideline. Thou shalt not make a surprise visit at the back door. You know what I am talking about. Common courtesy demands at least a brief discussion such as "Hey, do you wanna try something different?" I am not going to pass judgment about what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms and if backdoor play floats your boat, have at it. If both parties involved give it the go-ahead, you're in the clear but keep some common hygiene practices in mind, use your imagination and you'll know what I mean.

I know I haven't covered everything here and there must be other rules to courteous sex I have overlooked. Let me know what they are, add your own and be as descriptive as you want to.

13 comments:

Dorky Dad said...

EXCUSE ME ... but my parents NEVER had sex. I refuse to believe it. I'm the exception to that rule.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I would never ever ever show up unannounced. No searching for that hidden key under the door mat either.

Hammer said...

The 2:45am post bar booty call is usually in bad taste.

Steph said...

If some dude tried to slip me some sneaky anal sex, I'd rip his nads off with my teeth and shove them in HIS arse.

:P

No said...

When you mentioned, "That goes double for the relatively bland and reserved Lutherans that populate every corner of Minnesota."

All I can think of is Air Supply and bologne sandwiches....yuck!

cathouse teri said...

Courteous Sex! Love it!

All I can think of is Oscar Wilde's quote that you should be able to whatever you like in the privacy of your own bedroom, just as long as you don't do it in the street and scare the horses!

I posted the link to my tattoo story, but I'll repost here, for your convenience:

http://cathouseteri.blogspot.com/2007/05/interview-with-gunfighter.html

Slick said...

I know a few positions.....

I'm all knowledgable about that. I only suck at math.

Funny post man, enjoyed it!

Dan said...

you have to preheat the oven before you stuff the old pot roast in there.

Geez!!! Is that why my pot roast always comes out undone?? Hey wait a second! I'm a vegetarian. Why am I even making pot roast??

cathouse teri said...

Wait a minute, I don't preheat the oven before I put the pot roast in it!

Dyck!! said...

I always signal before making a right turn in a vagina.

Sornie said...

Here I was expecting a boatload of filth but it has been nothing but laughs so far!

buffalodickdy said...

I once heard "God has a heck of a sense of humor! Just watch the average person have sex!".

Jules said...

this post should have come with instructions on how to get the image of my parents having sex out of my head! *shiver*