Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Fashion crimes against humanity

When you spend an entire day in an open-air space essentially riding the waves in a sea of people, you begin to notice things. I particularly take note of how people are dressed.

As we sat on a bench for a few minutes on Monday after perusing the dismal offerings Chevrolet had on display on what was once machinery hill at the Minnesota State Fair, I examined the throngs of passerbys.

Of interest in my examination of the dress habits of humans was the mid-teens female specimen dressed in a bright pink, skin-tight shirt made of spandex or polyester -- definitely not a natural fiber. On someone lithe and trim, it would have been fine but on her it showcased what I coined a "jelly belly". She had handlebars to match (on a teenager, it just sounds sick to use the phrase "love handles"). Girls, please dress for your body shape. If you have a few (or 30) extra pounds, you might want to cloak the extra pounds instead of blatantly showcasing them for all the world (and me) to critique. I thank you, though, for providing me with more material.

Another disturbing trend I witnessed in all of its unholy rubber glory was the infiltration of Crocs. Yes, the shoe's rubberized bastard cousin. It looks a rubber dress shoe cover-up mated with a pair of clogs and gave birth to the hole-covered Croc. As many people as I saw wearing them, I have never seen anyone stroll to the checkout stand of a store or perusing a mall kiosk purchase these abominations that are just anothe rnail in the coffin of society. Sure, they have their place but casual, everyday wear outside of your garden or mowing the lawn is not the place. Please cease and desist.

Lastly, the problem of men wearing blue jeans in 80-plus degree heat. I understand that many working men have to wear the dreaded long pants. Construction workers, farmers and the like are the exceptions to the rule of no jeans if it's over 75 degrees. Monday's temperature tipped the scale at a humid 80-plus degrees. The number of guys sporting long pants was apalling.In casual settings, break out the shorts. It's fine regardless of how pale your chicken legs are and it sure beats leg sweat.

I'll even add another sub-section to this offensive group... parachute pants. Yeah, I said parachute pants. Hey, 1989 called and it wants its fashion trainwreck back. The image I can't drink out of my mind is that of a teenage girl sporting tacky red parachute pants. Here's a hint, just because they sell something at Hot Topic doesn't mean that wearing the offending garment will make you the coolest cat in the tree.

Am I alone in my mild dislike of these fashion faux pas? Am I treading on thin ice because you are wearing Crocs and parachute pants and are just PISSED that I would call you out for these fashion crimes? Or should I just shut up because I mow the lawn wearing nothing but a lime green speedo?

14 comments:

Brendan said...

Your first complaint brings to mind one of my old favorites:

Reminder: Wearing Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

Enemy of the Republic said...

You are not alone.

Hammer said...

I agree with you, crocs are ugly and must be smelly, parachute pants are just retarded and rotund people should not wear skimpy clothing.

I am guilty of the jeans thing though. There are very few shorts I've found that look decent.

Either they are those weird cargo things that go down to the ankles and might as well be pants or they are baby blue polyester and look like they should be accompanied with black socks and sandals.

No said...

I don't think you're very nice to fat women.

betmo said...

uh- ok- lime green speedo- not a visual i ever want to think about.

Beth said...

If - God forbid - you actually wear a lime green speedo while mowing your lawn (or anywhere) the Fashion Police should be at your door.

Sornie said...

Is the lime green speedo real or just a myth I throw out for a reaction?

As far as being mean to fat people, I am just saying dress for your body shape. There's a reason I don't wear certain items of clothing and that goes for plenty of folks. Just dress appropriately.

Hammer, I want a picture of you sporting some baby blue polyester shorts. Sounds like 70s golf attire.

Dorky Dad said...

I see that you spotted me and my family. Sorry. I'll burn the pants.

Hill said...

You mow the lawn in a lime green speedo?

BWAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sorry I haven't been around lately. The new place is consuming all my time. I'm the Glenda person there.

:)

justacoolcat said...

As for the pink outfit;"On someone lithe and trim, it would have been fine" I don't know about that. Just yesterday I was observing the pilates teacher at the gym and thinking how atrocious she looked in her ulta tight pink pants. It's just wrong. As for pants when it's 80; I'll do it on occasion. I often wear shorts, but I am comfortable in pants in the heat. As for parachute pants. I wish you would have gotten a name.


I have been amassing an army of parachute pants and zubaz with plans to one day take over the world and I can't believe I missed a pair.

mist1 said...

Please return my Speedo.

Thanks in advance.

cathouse teri said...

There's just no reasoning with fashion sense. Cause it don't make NO sense! (hear that with the John Turturro twang added)

Jules said...

Can I come over to your place and watch you mow the lawn? Just askin...

Sornie said...

By all means Jules