Monday, June 11, 2007

The Neighbor: Part Deux of a Two-Part Epic Saga

Hold on there hoss, this is the second part of a two-part epic story. For the first part, click here. If you've already read it, keep on reading...


When we last left our tale of The Crazy Neighbor, he had bluntly blindsided me with the news that our property line wasn't the actual property line. This would have gone over much more smoothly had he taken the time out his oh-so-busy days of unemployment to talk to me for a couple minutes the way normal humans converse and kindly explained to me what the situation was.

But that's not how it went down. He just hopped down his hideous retaining wall onto what had for the past two years, under our ownership, and for a hundred and five years prior been our lot and pounded a rod into the ground marking the "new" boundary.

Dammit, I expect others to use the Minnesota nice that is expected here (I am exempt from using it as I grew up a few minutes from Iowa) and be civil when dealing with neighborly issues. Don't just shout across my yard, drive a rod into my lawn and call it good.

Of course, I did the proper thing the next day and called the city offices and informed them of what had transpired as well as his plans to move his retaining wall a full eight feet. The city employees sort of chuckled. I am still unsure if they chuckled at me, the newcomer, for wanting to be sure of what was happening or if they were chuckling at the fact that Crazy Neighbor had gotten to me now. Either way, the city obliged and made the trip out to find lot markers and even measure the lots in question. The also informed me that Crazy Neighbor had made no requests for a permit and had presented no plans to disassemble his four-foot tall retaining wall and reassemble it eight feet closer to my buildings.

I eventually busted out my best neighborly ways later that same week and talked to him. He informed me of his plans and I went as far as pretending to both listen and care. Something about strawberries and his next door neighbor. Not quite sure waht that was all about but I don't actually care. Later that eveneing the wife and I discussed fence options to block out the "view" of this hideous yard four feet higher than ours directly behind us. The wife went on about how she feels "creeped out" each time she is outside when Crazy Neighbor is. She feels like he is watching her as her cleavage glistens in the warm Minnesota sun and her lovely lady lumps bounce to and fro as she toils away in the yard.

As time passed, I realized that he will likely never (at least in my lifetime) do a damn thing with his hideous retaining wall. In the two months since the original encounter, he has picked up one small bucket of rock from the "apron" in front of the wall and unstacked a partial pallet of new retaining wall block. Quite the quick progress for an unemployed nut.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot to explain why he's known as Crazy Neighbor to me. About the weekends ago, as I was tending to some meat smoking away on my smoker out on the Patio de Sorenson, I heard loud talking over the sound of a lawnmower. Crazy Neighbor was cutting down the weeds in his "yard" with his 1950s vintage mower and having one helluva angry conversation -- with himself. That's right, I could hear him from 150 ft. away over the noise of the world's first gas-powered lawnmower. That sealed the deal and confirmed to me that he is, in fact, Crazy Neighbor.


Hill said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but so help me, I am so thankful it's happening to you, not to me.
Seriously, this sort of thing is exactly why I live in the country.

Beth said...

let's see, there's got to be something that you can do to him!!! You could play marilyn manson really loud while you and your wife sacrifice small animals...? would that work?

H said...

Yeah, you should just start doing really weird random stuff and see what happens. It could be kind of a fun social experiment.

Sornie said...

But how weird is too weird. I could alwyas bust the trusty lime green speedo, do some backyard aerobics, mow the lawn and do plenty of bending over and see what the results are but I worry somewhat about the results. What if he, um, you know, doesn't object -- if you know what I mean... or what if he out-speedos me? That would be the sign of plan gone awry.