Friday, December 29, 2006

The year ahead: 2007

In timely fashion for once, I have decided to look ahead at the year that is knocking on our collective doors to see what exactly lies ahead.

It's been done to death already but my predictions are just plain better.

It will be a year of firsts for some and a year of who cares for others. The San Diego Chargers will play in the NFL's now-February classic known as the Superbowl and win the damn thing. Nobody outside of San Diego cares.

In other sports-related news, the Minnesota Timberwolves will trade star Kevin Garnett over the league's two off months this coming summer. The 'Wolves, like the Vikings, land a couple of shitty draft picks and piss them away due to coach Casey's ineptitude and the blithering but job secure Kevin McHale's lack of general manager skills. The team trades the picks for a bag of magic beans. The Wolves end the 2006-07 season sixth in the five team division and lose to the Lakeville South High School girls basketball team in an early autumn exhibition game.

The Minnesota Vikings fail (again) to nail down a stadium deal with the bill footed by tax payers. Owner Zygi Wilf drives around the Twin Cities and contemplates a plot of land in central Meeker County for a stadium.

President Bush wakes up groggy on a June morning to gaze upon the White House lawn only to find his twin daughters topless and passed out on the lawn wearing only flip-flops and "Hello Kitty" shorts. Geroge Bush finds comfort in Condoleeza Rice's arms and later her bed. Bill Clinton is later blamed for Bush's marital infidelity.

Sony ships another 508 units of its Playstation 3 console. Tens of millions line up weeks in advance, riots ensue ending in armageddon.

Gas prices hit $3.25/gallon in Minnesota and drivers park their SUVs. Horses lead the list of most-stolen items, followed closely at number two by Playstation 3 consoles.

Gas prices drop late in 2007 to a mere $2.00/gallon. Drivers snatch up giant SUVs which occupy two lanes unaware of what happened just two months earlier.

Star Tribune columnist Sid Hartman marks his 137th birthday and stands firmly behind the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers football team; predicting a 9-2 season and a Rose Bowl victory. The Gopher football team ends the season with a 1-10 record and a post-season trip to the Bowl versus the South Central Texas Community College Lady Steers. The Lady Steers win in convincing fashion with a 63-3 final score. Sid Hartman blames the Gophers loss on bad officiating.

Microsoft revises its "Zune" music player by adding an integrated phone with free minutes as long as you own the player. Droves of music fans flock to the Apple Store at Southdale in Edina to buy the newest generation of iPod featuring a larger capacity hard drive and the ability to teleport its owners anywhere in the universe.

The much-dreaded bird flu hits close to home. This time the deadly virus kills two roosters in a cockfighting arena in the Mexican province of Oaxaca; sales of chicken plummet as sales of surgical masks skyrocket. The event rapidly loses significance as photos of Britney Spears wearing underwear surface.

Lindsay Lohan falls off of a Merry Go-Round after drinking two liters of Grey Goose vodka. The event is captured for posterity as Lohan was taping a public service announcement warning teens of the perils of underage drinking. The irony police quickly escort the drunk to her weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock marries Clay Aiken. Pamela divorces the singer minutes later with her head held high and the world's first driver's license indicating that the last name is continued on the back side.

Actor Ben Afleck splits from wife Jennifer Garner. By year's end Afleck is engaged to Jennifer Tilly. Afleck contines to sport obnoxious Bennifer t-shirt.

Ice completely melts off of the continent of Antarctica. President Bush cheers loudly and claims the once-frozen land in the name of dune buggies; denies climate change exists.

Michael Jackson marries seven year old boy while riding on an elephant.

Former Chanhassen, MN resident "Prince" discovered to be an Oompa Loompa.

Dole and Taco Bell team up to market "The E.coli Chalupa". Thousands become violently ill.

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