Thursday, November 09, 2006

What to look for in a vehicle

Now that all aspects of this painfully tedious election season are done, all you martyrs and pariahs out there with your 'I Heart Mark Kennedy' bumper stickers can tear that gooey adhesive mess off the bumper of your Dodge Durango. And while you're at it, you can tediously scrape that 'W in 04' mess from your bumper. That sorta crap lowers a vehicle's resale value.

Would you buy a VW bus if it was immaculate, pristine and clean? No. You expect certain anomalies in a vintage VW bus. When you open its doors, it will smell like an odd combination of incense, pot smoke, sex and wet dogs. It wouldn't be a VW bus if it didn't smell like that. Its bumper should be properly adorned with a bumper sticker proclaiming 'Gas, Grass or Ass, Nobody Rides For Free.' Some things like that just define certain items. If it was in showroom condition, though, I would start to wonder if somebody got hacked to tiny pieces in the back and rip back the too-perfect carpet looking for severed fingers and bodily fluids.

The same goes for the Dodge Durango except everything is totally opposite. The interior should smell fresh and inviting, with no hint of incense, pot or stale sex, but instead like the automotive care aisle at Checker Auto Parts. The only adornments anywhere on the glimmering monument to opulence should be a Jesus fish proclaiming the previous owner's undying allegiance to their blind christian beliefs and disbelief of anything remotely scientific.

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