Friday, September 29, 2006

Operation: Squash-B-Gone

There were winter squash in our basement. Ordinarily that wouldn't be a problem. It was a problem, however, because they were part of the 2005 crop. That is not a good thing. We had gone through quite a few since last year's bumper crop of squash between eating some and throwing away those that fell prey to mold.

If I was ever on top of things at the Mansion de Sorenson I would have tossed these in my rolling trash cart a couple of months back but I am a procrastinator. I kept procrastinating until last night after work. I have to make room for the 2006 crop so the '05 models have to go at CLEARANCE PRICES.

Those squash were rotten. I figured there would be some mold but they were in full rot mode. I grabbed two garbage bags and after seeing what I was up against made a trip to the shed and found the wife's garden trowl.I proceeded to scoop up some semi-rotten squash on the shelving under the basement stairs until the stench which could only be described as a large pile of human fecal matter sitting in the August sun for a week became so overwhelming I had to leave.

I bolted up the stairs with my garbage bag of rotting vegetables in hand to kill a spider which Mary was yelling about and to grab a can of air freshener. I needed to mask the stench with something so I wouldn't be cleaning up my own vomit along with the squash.

The second half of "Operation: Squash-B-Gone" went worse. There was no easy withdrawl plan. There was no clear manner in which to clean up this mess which reminded me of a water treatment plant's odor during 95 degree weather. The odor filled my lungs, it was all I could smell.

Thankfully after thirty minutes of being trapped in the basement with the worst job I have ended up with this year I was finally done. I trudged up the stairs with the garden trowl in one hand and the bag of what smelled like elephant diapers in the other and slammed the door. I walked towards the back door almost ashamed of the job I had just performed. While it was necessary, it made me feel almost unhuman. No person should ever be subjected to such a grotesque task. Ever.

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