Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Love hurts

From time to time you need to lighten the mood some and things have been sorta dark lately. With anything, some lighter albeit odd news is a welcome change of pace.

Penis injuries.

That's a phrase that sorta jumps out at you and grabs your attention, doesn't it?

After hearing this topic hashed over during a radio show, I decided to explore for myself just what sort of injuries occur. Of course, these injuries aren't limited to the penis but instead run the gamut of injuries acquired during the act of intercourse. From here on out, though, I'll refer to it in layman's terms and use the word 'sex'. It's more to-the-point.

The survey which I based this 'research' on was from the results of a poll taken by a British erotic retail chain. A high percentage (one in three) said that they had suffered injuries during sex. Of course they were rather insignificant injuries along the lines of bumps, scrapes, rugburn (to the knees, of course) and the occasional muscle pull from a rather vigorous round of bedroom olympics.

These pale in comparison to examples found in medical journals. The poor bastard who heard a pop during sex and experienced nearly immediate swelling at the base of the penis and scrotum. He broke it. By 'it' I mean penis. Not exactly a place you can slap a cast or splint on and call it good. It has a mind of its own and kinda does its own thing. The penis is a renegade of sorts and can not be reigned in by a mere cast.

These, of course, are the sort of injury inflicted when accompanied with a witness. Some things happen all by his lonesome.

News flash: guys masturbate.

While the conventional way of pleasuring one's self involves a hand (as I've seen it portrayed in veiled reference in movies) but some have other ideas. They are the ones that end up in the emergency room at 3 AM half-drunk and in an akward predicament. Think vacuum cleaner. Now imagine the vacuum with its hose firmly attached to some poor guy. How's that gonna feel?

Women do it too.

It may involve different 'equipment' but the results lead to just as much embarrassment, if not more. Imagine the woman who had air in her abdomen. She had an earlier encounter with a jacuzzi jet. Odd to say the least.

Then there are those who seek pleasure via a different orifice. Use your imagination, you'll figure it out.

An entirely different collection of oddities has been found there.

"The foreign bodies included a pen knife, an aerosol deodorant spray can, a blue plastic tumbler, a plastic bag containing two bank notes and some marijuana, a plastic packet containing fish hooks, a penlight [flashlight], a broomstick, a battery-powered vibrator, a primus stove, a cap of an aerosol can, a piece of wire, a piece of hosepipe wrapped with wire, and an iron bar.”

Kinky enough for you? Why a blue plastic tumbler? Didn't have a red one handy? Did this person plan on re-using it after the 'encounter'? Why?

One in a million shot, doc. One in a million shot.

Word of advice. Think twice. Imagine the embarrassment if something goes wrong. Nobody will believe that you slipped, fell and landed ass first on the cap of an aerosol can that just happened to wedge itself deep within your own bowels.

It just... doesn't... happen.

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