Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Coming up: 'Pimp my House'

It's muthafuckin' tax time and that can mean only one thing: REBATES. The one time each year (so far) that the Internal Revenue Service pays ME.

Yea, I am one of those lucky bastards that pay such ungodly high amounts on their mortgage and health insurance premiums that I draw glares from the folksy neighbors I pass on the streets each and every day. I invested wisely in our house or, actually, NOT so wisely. We bought sorta high. But at least we are locked in to our current interest rate. Sure, it's only for three years but interest rates RARELY increase, so we are ULTRA safe.

So, what to do with that tax rebate that will soon be burning a hole in the hip pocket my tight-fitting acid-washed straight-outta-1984 Lee jeans?

Sure, I could pay off the appliances we recently purchased or the dentist bill we've been chippin' away at for almost a year but what fun is it to live debt free?

I am a dreamer. The type of guy who will live beyond his means if it means that my TV is wider, flatter and higher-definition than that of my neighbor.

Pay bills?!? HELL no! I'm gonna spend the HELL outta that check.

I'm gonna pimp my house. Just like X to the Z Xzibit pulling into my front drive to pimp a rusted out multi-colored 1984 Honda Accord, my house could use some SERIOUS pimpage.

We're talking windows. Painting the garage. Scratch that, build a NEW garage. A new garage with heat. And plenty of lights. And a basketball hoop so I can get my game on and play like the T-Wolves' Kevin 'Big Ticket' Garnett. I'll be draining threes 'til the neighbor calls the cops at 3 AM.

Then there's the entertainment situation. That could use some pimping, too. Being a player, I gotta have the BEST gear. First off, ditch the 34 inch high-def TV and grab the biggest plasma Sony makes. Maybe 65 inches... Of course it's gotta have a computer hooked up to it for gaming and recording my fave programs. Nothing less than the best, I'll take a top-of-the-line G5 Macintosh so I can have plenty of power and a gross of extra hard-drives so I can store the recorded episodes of my must-see-TV.

Oh, but then there's reality.

That damn tax refund check is beyond spent. No new garage. Won't be gettin' my game on until 3 AM dunking like an NBA All-Star. No 12-foot plasma TV. No new Mac computer. No new car even though I didn't mention my desire for a metallic copper Mazda 6.

Nope. The only rosy thing in my future is the fact that two $50 Home Depot gift cards arrived recently and that's enough for one replacement window. The landing on the stairs is next on the mighty list.

Reality Bites.

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