Monday, November 21, 2005

Gluttony commences in 66 hours


A time to mark successfully living through the first eleven months of the year. A time, too, to strap on the feedbag and gorge yourself on multiple servings of such delectable treats that they only make an annual appearance due to their time to prpare, complexity and general mess made during consuming the shovels full of juicy, tasty, sweet, warm food.

It's also a time to eat more than an entire African country consumes in an entire year. And each and every American gets to do this in one sitting.

It's also an excellent time to pack on an extra five or ten pounds in the course of a four-day weekend. Something I definitely plan on doing as I figured with this handy calculator that I will consume about 3,000 calories (more than I eat in an average day) in just one thirty minute binge-fest. Then I will drive forty or so miles and eat whatever is left. Only parking across the street to burn off an extra fifteen calories to make myself feel like I tried to be healthy.

That logic may explain the appearance of small breasts on my chest. They even jiggle during vigorous physical activity.

The moral of the story is to express control. Limit your consumption of sleep-inducing amounts of turkey, heavy gravy and heaping piles of mashed potatoes or you, too, could suffer from a beginner's case of jiggly chest or gut.

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