Monday, October 24, 2005

News Flash: Personal experience of profiling at Wal-Mart

Another weekend has come and gone and, all told, it was as productive as any other weekend that preceded it.

This weekend, I believe, brought about the final wedding of the year for us to attend. That brings relief as a glut of weddings can tend to get a bit stale after the fourth one in three months but with a supporting cast of entertaining friends, fun is never too far away.

This weekend's events, though, brought only the reception portion of the wedding. A different but still wise way to tackle something that become costly and totally out of control with each little detail that gets added.

This one, like so many before it, took place back in my hometown. That leaves only a handful of friends who are yet to be married and with those characters, it could be a while before they find someone that is able to put up with their crazy personalities and overall aversion towards becoming true adults.

After cutting loose at this dance, though, I wonder just how far from being a true-to-form adult I am too...

When there is free beer to be had, especially when it is Michelob Golden Draft Light, I become totally overpowered. It is locking a starved German Shepherd in a room full of Gravy Train dog food and expecting him to leave it untouched.

The responsbile adult inside of knew far ahead of time to arrange some form of a ride back to where we were spending the night but having that detail taken care of allowed me to consume enough free beer to intoxicate a ship full of Marines on weekend shore leave.

Then I danced.

I danced alot.

I danced with people I didn't know.

I danced with friends.

I danced with my wife.

I was acting like I did five years ago. It was great.

Then came 5:30 AM Sunday morning. I awoke from my deep sleep with a bladder full enough to extinguish a thousand acre forest fire. That is possibly the worst, O.K., second worst way to wake up.

Four hours and seven cups of water of water later, I made my way to the shower. Then off to a breakfast consisting of two large plates stacked full of the standard breakfast items. Nothing fancy. Cakes, bacon, hash browns, acrambled eggs - yes, it was the infamous Tremendous Twelve from the local Perkins.

The conversation there led us to question how quickly we could get kicked out of Wal-Mart.

Then we put our theories to the test.

We set alarm clocks, played the drums, played with basketballs, contemplated a tennis match, tried to mess with the password protected computers and wondered how many dozen eggs would break if an eighteen pound turkey would 'happen' to find itself above them and suddenly fall.

After only one trip around the store, my friend's fiancee noticed one of the store's undercover security officers watching her and then two uniformed security guards blatantly watching us.

It was then that we decided to leave rather than be harrassed by a couple rent-a-cops making less money than I made a decade ago.

Truth be told, we did nothing out of the ordinary to earn their attention but they are obviously on the lookout for people in their mid to late twenties who aren't pushing a shopping cart.

And that is the long version of how Wal-Mart engages in profiling. Thanks for sticking with me as I took the scenic route.

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