Thursday, May 05, 2005

And the survey says....

ANd now for a bit of humor courtesy of a post over at Mentally Incontinent...

1...INTERNET DATING SURVEY

Met someone special on a bbs or the internet? Wanna ask them out but
not sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life scarring
experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then
review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in
your hands!

1) My name is:_______________________________.

2) The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale

3) My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island

4) The age group I fall into is:
(A) 40 and older
(B) 30-39
(C) 21-29
(D) 15-20
(E) I wanna be a Power Ranger

5) In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates
(B) 6-10 dates
(C) 11-15 dates
(D) More than 16 dates
(E) I rape sheep

6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
(A) the average human of my age and gender
(B) Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
(C) a washer and dryer set
(D) Ireland
(E) My gelatenous mass cannot be measured at any
given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity

7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
(A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels
popped.
(B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
(C) the voices won't let me.
(D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.

8 ) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
(A) a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe.
(B) International House of Pancakes.
(C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop.
(D) the dumpster behind 7-11.

9) For entertainment, I like to:
(A) watch movies/plays.
(B) watch cock fights.
(C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of
"Bewitched."
(D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.

10) My idea of the perfect male/female is:
(A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
(B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
(C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
(D) my fist/my fingers.

11) My hobbies are:
(A) collectings books/stamps/insects.
(B) computers.
(C) small Hungarian women named Loopy.
(D) eating at least ten times my body weight.
(E) acne.

12) My first words were:
(A) "Mama/Dada."
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!"
(D) "Touch me... touch me there."

13) My dream career is:
(A) millionaire playboy/playgirl.
(B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty
benefits.
(C) anything with barbed wire.
(D) street gang moving target.
(E) lard wrestler.

14) I consider my body to be:
(A) a temple to the gods of desire.
(B) average, but could use work.
(C) proof God is far-sighted.
(D) I am mainland China.
(E) Just write "Titanic" on my behind.

15) If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) piece of William Shatner's behind.
(C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) a quick and easy cure for genital warts.

16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(A) never/seldom.
(B) often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
(C) my family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."

17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
(A) happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
(B) a sixth finger.
(C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation.
(D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants.
(E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.

18 ) A nickname my friends may give me would be:
(A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
(D) The Thrustinator.
(E) Exxxxtacy Maggot.

19) My favorite thing about holidays is:
(A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
(B) food, food, food.
(C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom.
(D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned.

20) My favorite meal is:
(A) a well balanced healthy dinner.
(B) whatever's stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
(C) Indian boys about 4' tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
(D) boiled semen with a side order of lovin'.

21) My favorite type of literature is:
(A) computer tests like this one.
(B) public restroom stalls.
(C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
(D) the magic writing on the back of my foot.
(E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."

22) My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing child molestor)
(C) Liberitarian (What's the matter? not enough spine for a
real party?)
(D) Rastafarian [?]

23) (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights,
the workers:
(A) whistle and cat-call.
(B) shield their eyes.
(C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
(D) throw rocks.
(E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.

24) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be:
(A) a love bird.
(B) an orangatang, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
(C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days.
(D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.

25) My favorite type of music is:
(A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to
touch my sister's "fun zones."
(C) Tejano music (the soothing rythems of a blaring
accordian)
(D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a
vampire and act so dark and depressing when
I'm nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who
is upset 'cause my father didn't hug me enough and
fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
(E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

26) the best type of pet is:
(A) dog.
(B) cat.
(C) anything that can "spread eagle" quick and likes
"heavy petting."
(D) Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
(E) toasters- don't ask.

27) My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
(B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of putting my
body parts into pencil sharperners and screaming,
"Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don't
tell.
(D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.

28 ) If my life had a slogan, it would be:
(A) "Get a piece of the rock."
(B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!"
(C) "Still legal in 32 states."
(D) "Mormon approved."

29) I use my computer most for:
(A) work.
(B) play.
(C) communications.
(D) DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
(E) trapping hapless fools for consumption.
(F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle.
(G) a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo
virus)

30) What issues concern/interest you the most?
(A) AIDS.
(B) racism.
(C) foriegn policy.
(D) cattle mutilations.
(E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
(F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.

31) The title of my (auto)biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre."
(C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune."
(D) "Going in His/Her Pants."
(E) "Still a Virgin."

32) My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random
limb)?"
(B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?"
(C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(D) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(E) "Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so
delicate...wanna make love?"

33) My sign is:
(A) Some zodiac thing.
(B) "Child at play."
(C) "All you can eat."
(D) "Billions and Billions served."
(E) "Dip."

34) My dream car is:
(A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
(B) the 1960's Batmobile.
(C) a hearse.
(D) anything I can fit in the backseat of.
(E) an Edsel.

35) If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this test, I'd:
(A) shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in
itself]
(B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave.
(C) attempt to beat the heck out of them.
(D) ask them to autograph my spine.
(E) tell them to drop their pants and squeel like a pig.

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