Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Spears' belly to get even larger

In news that gives hope to each and every poorly shaven, trailer-park residing, out-of-wedlock child producing, grease stained wife beater-wearing man leach in the known world... Keven Federline has officially planted his slimy man seed in Britney Spears' once pure womb.

The once normal teen starlet announced, much to the chagrin of tabloids who had reported this rumor a few weeks back, that she is knocked up and is three months along already.

I can picture the events that will now take place in the cheeto dust covered Spears-Federline mansion now that they have an offspring on the way.

There is the crib to purchase and assemble. This will be picked up by Kev on a trip to the Beverly Hills Wal-Mart. He will grab this item along with an issue of Hot Rod magazine, two bags of Jalapeno Cheese Doritos, two cans of Stagg extra-beans Chili, a case of Sam's Choice Diet Mountain Mist soda (gotta watch tthe old lady's waistline) and a couple bags of CHEESE PUFF TWISTS (generic, of course, to save money because Kev is unemployed and Brit's career is over now).

Anyone who has been around a baby knows that there needs to be a mobile above the crib for the baby to coo at while drool pools up on the crib's latex-covered matress. Kev and Brit will put much thought into purchasing the mobile due to their now limited funds. This item will likely be a hidden gem from a trailer park rummage sale in a nearby locale. I can see the gleam in their eyes when they spot the 'Gods of Monster Trucks' mobile for their new child. This will bring on such passion that Brit will just flat out grab Kev's manhood for all to witness. This will give the tabloids plenty of fodder, Kev will simply smile for the cameras knowing all too well that his bitch is hot and she loves to ride his man-pole. Note the visible bulge and silhouette through Kevin's well-worn L.A. Raiders Zubaz.

Of course, the happily married couple must prepare a room for the child -- and quickly, 6 months will fly by when you are constantly taking time out to watch lawn mower racing on Spike TV and attending the weekly cockfights down the street at Ashton Kutcher's pad.

I can see, in my head of course, the mural painted on the wall. A lovely bayou scene from Brit's old redneck stomping grounds in Louisiana. Complete with depictions of cars up on blocks and a couple trailer houses with their aluminum sheet metal siding falling off and rusting. One trailer even has a gator eating the severed head of a cow. This was all spraypainted by one of Kev's homies who is ultra- handy with a can of Krylon spray paint. How calming this room is turning out to be.

The Spears-Federline team is a force to be reckoned with.

Now to pick out some names...

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