Thursday, April 21, 2005

A recap of the local 'Pope Draft'

Blowing white smoke

KFAN's Common Man, Dan Cole, called it right during his Papal Draft on Monday.

He thought the cardinals would pick German Joseph Ratzinger.

Using "If I Had a Hammer" as bumper music and periodically asking his producer, "Any white smoke yet?" Common was in great form.

"I found it amazing [that other media] were talking about their strengths and weaknesses. Suddenly, it appeared like a football [or basketball] thing to me. It was sort of like when they break down the NFL players," Common said in an interview.

Asked to recap his irreverent schtick, Common said, "I think Ratzinger's got a lot of upside. He's got a Vatican body. You know that's what they say in the NBA: He's got an NBA body. I've never understood what that means. Whatever. So he's got a Vatican body.

"Then they always say the guy can play with his back to the basket. So I said, 'He can pray with his back to the altar.' "

Assessing the skills of other candidates,

• No. 1: "Very good at baptizing but a little weak on confessionals."

• No. 2: The Lord's Prayer. He could do it in like a 4.3, which is just amazingly fast."

• No. 3: "Upside is that he could turn water into wine, but he hasn't been able to show he could walk on water."

Just plug in any papal candidate name above and make sure you butcher the pronunciation. "That's kind of my act. Most of the times when I mispronounce the names or words I'm always thinking of you, because I know how it's kind of your pet peeve."

Yeah, my strong suspicion is that Ratzinger's pronounceable name was the reason he became Common's pick.

Just call him 'Papa II'

Maybe Common should stick with Dan, Daniel and Danny -- three names he never mispronounces.

"I have another baby on the way June 25, another boy," said Common.

More procreating, in keeping with the religious theme of this item.

Two-year-old Daniel is known as "The Deuce," so what will Common call the second son, whom his wife, Helen, (Potato's her air name) is due to deliver. "Maybe Tres. I'm Uno, then there's Deuce and Tres."

I suggested Common go the George Foreman route of naming all his sons George, separating them only with Roman numerals. "Maybe George got hit upside the head a few more times than we thought," said Common. But he agrees "Dan, Daniel and Danny would work."

Surely, Potato will intercede. Congrats.

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