Thursday, April 14, 2005

Please surrender all portable firemaking devices

Today, the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) announced that they were banning any and all possession of lighters from domestic flights. This newest ban on everyday items comes from the pricks with the glaring eyes who are always present but never acting. They seem like some sort of silent observer whose starched white shirts with badges and patches attached to them make those wearing them all knowing and all powerful. The power that people who get these jobs shouldn't likely have. The people who get these jobs are recruited mainly by radio advertisements. I am sure there is stringent screening and personality tests to complete but these are people I really don't think should have broad powers to tell Americans what can and can't be brought on a plane.

This is especially true when they have banned the following items...

Prohibited items include scissors, knives, swords, guns, ammunition, aerosol spray, tear gas, bleach, matches, brass knuckles, crowbars, for or wood axes, gasoline, needles, nails, ice picks, fireworks, power tools, and other sharp items that could be used as weapons. Carrying any of these items into the airport, or through security checkpoint may result in delayed or denied access to gate areas, or possible arrest and conviction. Do NOT attempt to bring any of the above or related items to any airport


Ice Picks:
What sort of fucking nut job would feel the need to bring an Ice Pick along on their business flight to Memphis?

"Shirley, where is my damn Ice Pick? I need to take it along to Memphis today."

"Jeff, why on earth do you need an Ice Pick?"

"Sometimes, Shirley, you just never know when an Ice Pick will come in handy. I hear the mountain climbing in Tennessee is something else so where the fuck is my Ice Pick?"

Crowbars:
In what situation, other than construction, would the need arise for a crow bar? Particularly in your carry-on luggage.

"Damn, Todd, could you grab my crowbar out of the overhead? Those plastic meal containers are a BITCH to open."

And lastly,
Wood Axes:

"Hi, my name is Beth. What's yours?"

"Hi Beth, I'm Dan."

"Where are you headed Dan?"

"Well, Beth, I'm headed to the International Lumberjack Convention, Northwest Chapter's annual meeting in Spokane, Washington. I've even got my trusty wood axe. Yep. Right up there in the overhead next to my favorite flannel shirt."

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