Wednesday, March 23, 2005

What about the Easter gerbil?

Easter is coming in less than a week. Sunday, to be exact. That can mean only one thing. No, I am not plotting to sever the tail of the Easter Bunny at Mankato's River Hills Mall although I contemplated tackling him this past Sunday as we walked through center court on the way to Sears for our curtain crusade. I wondered out loud just what the reaction of the children would be to see a grown man-child in a Blink-182 t-shirt which instructs one to 'take off your pants and jacket' (see the clever play on words) violently plow over the rickety faux wood fence and proceed to rip the fluffy costume off the 22 year old inside and run away screaming "I've got your tail bitch. Ha ha ha" as I fade into the distance only to disappear into 'The Gap' where I would creepily sing 'I enjoy being a -- girl' just to spite Sarah Jessica Parker who, if you ask me, has one too many names.

But that isn't the true meaning of Easter. After all, how did the Easter bunny come to be associated with Easter anyway? Why was the bunny the chosen one to represent the holiday at malls across the country? Why don't children find the image of a 6-foot tall furry bunny that talks fightening? These are all questions which I have NO answer to. Even if I did, the answer would be far too disturbing for the average person to wrap their feeble minds around. But I digress.

The Easter gerbil. It's a small, fuzzy animal whose breeding habits resemble those of a bunny rather closely. They are both kept as pets. Why didn't this idea see the light of day? Just who is the evil mastermind keeping the Easter gerbil from all its glory?!? The people of middle-america demand answers! Let the Easter gerbil reign supreme in malls and department stores from coast to glorious coast!

That leads me to the conspiracy that this possibly evil creation of a bunny delivering eggs filled with candy to children is another scam. Why can't the eggs be those of a lizard? lizards lay eggs, too. See Ms. Chicken, you aren't the only one to 'give birth' to your offspring while they are protected and growing in a shell. Smarmy bastard, Ms. Chicken, you thought you were all high and mighty, being in cahoots with the person(s) behind the puppet regime keeping the Easter bunny in power while holding down the much maligned Easter gerbil. Oooh, how I loathe thee, Ms. Chicken with your sugary, marshmallow peeps which now come in three, yes three, colors.

You'll get yours.

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