Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Christmas Gifts - what not to get the woman in your life

Have you men out there even thought about shopping for Christmas gifts yet? Yea, didn't think so. I have thought about it but haven't begun. It's the same hing every year. I set aside a day to do it all and then something more important comes up for that day and my precious plan goes straight down the crapper. This year, themonetary situation (AKA lack of funds) has so far kept me from the stores. Add to that the fact that I despise the huge crowds of aimless shoppers I would encounter in the Twin Cities suburbs on an average weekend and that puts me even further behind.

I may not know much about how to shop but over the years, from first hand experience, general knowledge, stand-up comedians and horror stories told to me, I have learned what NOT to get that special lady in your life.

Rule One:
Nothing associated with work. That means no blenders, vacuums, pots & pans sets, brooms, etc. This one is a no-brainer. Think of how much explaining and anger it will save in the long run if you just avoid this first category altogether. Even if it is something the house desperately needs and your wife or significant other has been hinting at for months, avoid it.Got it? Alright. Next.

Rule Two:
Nothing that could be taken as insulting. This one can be rather fuzzy. If she has been hinting at wanting a membership at a health club - don't get it for Christmas. Treat it as you would any other bill. She will think you see her as fat if she unwraps a membership to the local exercise/weight loss center. You will pay for that mistake many times over. Be careful, too, of where you do your shopping for gift certificates. They are better than buying clothes and coming back from the mall with an insulting wrong size. The only caution flag here is to make sure you haven't strayed into a plus-size store which caters to 'full-figured' women exclusively. That mistake will bite you in the ass many times over. If you ae in doubt, look at the manequins in the store. Do they look like a woman you would ogle in a bar? No? Get out. Buy NOTHING. Never make mention of this to her.

Rule Three:
Nothing that can have mixed meanings. If you buy clothes, they could be seen as a message that she dresses shabbily or that you want to change the way she looks. If you buy lingerie, she could see it as meaning that she doesn't dress seductively enough. The possibilities here could go on forever.

Follow these three simple rules and stay away from any store that says 'Sears' and you will be safe. If you do fuck up and buy something I mentioned above, don't say I didn't warn you.

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