Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Tom Arnold never was much in the way of a celebrity, besides the fact that he actually and willfully married ROSEANNE. Does the guy even HAVE a brain? His latest foray onto the airwaves has come in the form of the animated Arby's Oven Mitt.

Flak Magazine has their take on the whole Oven Mitt scheme and this interesting dialogue between an Arby's employee and the Oven Mitt...

Flak Magazine: Another oven mitt scenario


While I like your opinion on the lost possibilities of the Arby's oven mitt, I think you will find a simple retooling of existing commercials can solve many of their problems. For example, how about adding a new end to the commercial you cite?

[Towards the end of the "no nose" commercial, the oven mitt is seen wearing Groucho glasses as a replacement nose.]

Employee: Hey, oven mitt, nice nose.

Oven Mitt: Thanks.

Employee: But, how does it stay up if you don't have ears?

Oven Mitt: What?

Employee: I said, how does it ...

Oven Mitt [cutting her off]: What? What! I can't hear you! Why can't I hear you? Oh My God! I must not have any ears! I can't believe ... [suddenly the glasses fall off]

Oven Mitt [continued]: Great! That's just great. No ears. No nose. Fuck. Well thank God I still have my eyes. Hmm. Although I guess it's pretty weird that an oven mitt would have eyes. [The eyes pop off. Plip. Plop.]

Oven Mitt (continued): Aaaaaaah! Aaaaah! Aaarrrgh! Shiiiiiit! Holy Fucking Shit! Aaaaaaaah!

Employee: Holy shit, oven mitt! Can you hear me? What the fuck happened? Hold on, hold on, I've got to think of ... stop fucking screaming! There are customers out front. Shut up. [She puts her hand over the mitt's mouth only to get bitten.] Ow, you son of a bitch! [She grabs the oven mitt and starts choking it.]

Oven Mitt: Amy? [choke, choke] Amy, is that you? [Amy stops.] Amy, I'm sorry I bit you. I just freaked out when I realized I ... I ... Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaah!

Amy: Oven mitt, calm down. Calm down. [Amy grabs the oven mitt and holds him underneath the running water of the sink.] Water. Do you understand? Water. [She spells out W-A-T-E-R with her finger on the palm of the oven mitt. He stops screaming.]

Oven Mitt: Water! Yes, I understand. It's water. Oh Amy, you don't know how good it feels to be back. [Amy pulls him out of the water and sets him on an oven rack.] Everything was so dark. I felt so lost, so alone. But, now that I know you're still there, I can think. All my other senses are coming alive. My taste buds are tingling. AB-Negative, am I right? And, my sense of touch — that water was so vibrant, so cool. I could feel every molecule as it ... wait why am I so hot? [The camera pulls back to show that Amy has slid him into the oven and closed the door.] Amy? Amy! Oh God! Amy, I love you, please don't! I love you. Aaaaaah!

Amy [sobbing]: I'm so sorry, oven mitt. I just couldn't bear to see you like that. Not after all we shared. You were so beautiful, so beautiful ...

[Fade to Black. Fade in on Amy still crying, though now in a nightgown in bed. Title read: One Year Later.]

Hamburger Helper Glove: Are you OK? Is there anything I can do?

Amy: Just hold me. Just hold me. [Closes her eyes.]

The End

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